Two weeks ago we were in the hospital - my wife was having consistent contractions 3 and a half minutes apart. She had them for 7 hours or so. Still nothing was happening, so the doctor sent us home. Nurses said she was exhibiting all the signs of early labor, and that they expected to see us within 24 hours or so. That was 2 weeks ago.
Try to imagine expecting your firstborn at any moment for two weeks straight. The anticipation mounts and I feel like I'm getting an ulcer while we wait. I haven't felt less productive in a long time. I feel utterly useless. I need to be booking shows, preparing for the coming months, but I can't focus. The waiting is killing me, so I need to stay distracted - but I'm feeling guilty distracting myself because I need to be working. So I try to work, but still no focus. And the cycle continues.
As I wait, there has been a certain amount of shame creeping around, looking for a way in. It whispers to me that I am not cut out to be a musician, self-employed, or making a living for my family. It tells me that I'm lazy and unproductive. It tells me I will make more mistakes than my father. It tells me that God is mad at me. It tells me that I am losing my talent and won't be able to maintain as a writer or singer much longer. Any way it can, it pecks away at the fiber of who I am - at the integrity of the new and perfect heart that God has placed within me. But I am reminded weekly by my community of friends that I am a restored son of the Living God and, though the effects of sin still linger, his strength is best displayed in my weakness - not only in the fact that I am weak, but in my personal confession of weakness. Therein lies the secret of surrender: to acknowledge that I am weak and that I have only to give myself up.
But shame is also strong in my weakness, so what now? The answer depends on which side I choose to surrender to. Will I buy in to the lies that shame and guilt sell? Or will I choose to believe the gospel? I choose to believe Jesus. Will I let my sin or my Savior give me a name? I choose to believe that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. I am not becoming a new creation. I already am.
I am so excited about this baby. I don't feel nervous or scared about being a dad, though I probably should be. Any fears I have are about little Liam's health - and the health of my wife. We want a healthy baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes - I might even settle for 9 toes. As long as he's healthy. Who wouldn't want that? So the excitement and anticipation build. But so does the anxiety.
Oddly enough, and fortunately for us, my wife and I have been extremely united during this time. Typically, high stress times cause extra tension between us. But we've maintained a great sense of togetherness and are drawing much needed strength from one another. It’s been a great blessing. We feel ready as a couple to accept the responsibility of this child, and are excited to do it as a team. God’s timing is impeccable. Had this pregnancy happened even 3 months earlier than it did, I’m not sure our relationship could have weathered it. But it didn’t. It is happening now because God, the author and finisher of our faith, has timed it just perfectly.
So we wait together, with all the stress, impatience and anxiety the enemy can throw at us. But we wait together.